Comments on: Advice for Troubled Marriage – Welcome

By: stuckinrut

stuckinrut — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 22:48:28 +0000

-MC
I read your post and am wondering how you are now? I bet you are better. Bad times always seem like they are not going to get better. But they always do. You may think that she is the only girl for you and that you have to have a girl to be happy. These are only self imposed limitations that you are enforcing on yourself. You need to realize that she is her own person that you don’t control. You need to accept that your kids will love you no matter what happens in the relationship. Take every opportunity given to you to express to your kids that you love them and things will work out between you and them in the future. Make no excuses for yourself to them. They will realize that the problems between you and your ex are not their fault. Make every day yours. Speaking of limitations, set some new ones! Consitently stop gambling after a set amount of losses. Consistently stop drinking after 2 or 3 drinks and only drink 2 or 3 days a week. Write a step by step plan for finding a job and do one step every day. Take care of yourself because no one else will. When others see that you take care of yourself and respect yourself, they will respect you. Keep your head up buddy. Today is your day. Make it a good one!

By: Ambrish

Ambrish — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 12:29:41 +0000

Dear Achinee,

I have read your problem…..your husband has seen the divorce of his parents. It is their in his subconcious mind…..The painful feeling comes on surface at times and this is happening with your husband.

You have to discuss his childhood in details …may be in 4 or 5 sittings first…let all the emotional aspect come on surface…try to read the mind that how he has taken the divorce of his parents.. I am sure that you will find that he think that it was his mother who is “culprit” of divorce. and being a son he love his mother but can not fight for “causing divorce”….

He may be seeing “mother’s ” image in you and that’s why at one hand he is showing love and on other hand he is fighting …….

Best wishes.

Ambrish

By: gem

gem — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 13:29:48 +0000

My husband walked out yesterday. we have been married just under 2 years, together for 5. we have a little girl of 3 and my daughter is 10. I have been pulled under by depression recently, a hole im just not able to climb out of right now. I know things have been tough for a while but i truly thought time would pass and we could get through it. he became very cold to me the last few weeks, not speaking to me or even touching me. i began to feel totally rejected, so i then withdrew from him, mirroring the behaviour he was displaying towards me. as we couldnt seem to talk i thought maybe removing my attention and affection would shock him into realising thngs were going down a bad path. Well it backfired on me and he went. Im struggling because i have no real explaination as to why he distanced himself from me. I cant understand. my depression means i often have bad moods but i deal with them by being quiet and keeping away from him rather than fighting. i am fully aware i am the cause of him leaving but i really didnt expect it. i have suspicions but no proof there is someone else. my husband is the kind of man who needs a womans love, he is not the independant type. im totally distraught but trying to give him space and time. i just dont know what to do. its like a physical pain. im yearning for him but i fear its too late for us now sadly. i thought the good would always outweigh the bad. and im in shock at him leaving. he didnt even say goodbye. got his stuff and went. his expression didnt change, its like he really doesnt care. the reason im writting here is because i have no family and few friends to turn to. i really need some advice and support to carry on. im just so sad. thanks for reading xx

By: Brotty

Brotty — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 23:13:35 +0000

Hey everyone I don’t know if this thread is dead, but I need to get this out.. My wife and I married young( I was 25 and she was 23). Before that we had about a year under our belts and it was a turbulent year. It involved us breaking up a few times for no more than a few days each time at best. When I asked her to marry me she was so excited and couldn’t wait.. So we were married. Less than a year later, she ran off to florida to be with a guy she developed a relationship with over an online video game. I was devastated. My old friends were infuriated and were adamant about me not getting back with her. But I did… They stopped talking to me at that point and haven’t returned any calls of mine since. But their words still haunt me,” she will do it again”.. I was convinced that I showed her how much I cared and wanted to make this work and that she wouldn’t ever stray again. But then I caught her talking to him about a year later. And still I gave her the benefit of the doubt and shrugged it off. On this past thanksgiving she went down to florida to visit her friend from school, and on her way back home she called me crying and saying she wanted t make this work. I was confused again but again I gave her the benefit of the doubt. On Christmas eve about a week ago, she came home from doing laundry and we decided to separate and my untrusting mind told me to check a number out that she told me was one of her girlfriends. It was a guy. Shed been seeing for over two weeks. We’ve since decided to divorce. My question is: why do I still care so much for her? Why am I so upset when she can just move on like we never went out to begin with? I need some support here cause I can’t get answers outta her about this she tells me she’s a private person.. Someone please I need advice

By: Travis Jones

Travis Jones — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 21:40:56 +0000

I’m a 28 year old Christian who’s been married a little over 4 years. Try 3 1/2 years of no sex, a spouse that now refuses kids, absolutely no sparks, thousands of dollars spent with several puzzled Christian/sex counselors, and no end in sight. If someone survived this then ill build some confidence but unfortunately for me, I will never meet anyone that can relate. Divorce is supposed to not be the way but being miserable for the restore your life sucks.

By: achinee

achinee — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 18:27:05 +0000

Married for 5 yrs,in a relationship for 11 years and seperated for 2 years.Our relationship has been a relationship of love and hate.We belong to two different countries.My husband after marriage had issues to fight every day,his parents i feel were provoking,he loves me but has monetary issues which he never mentioned before marriage.He would insult me always,say bad things about my family,would crib about how much dowry his friends got and are happy but at the same time would not help me find a job.he was insecure about my relationship with my parents,always felt my parents influenced me,which was never the case.I tried like in earlier mails,be very nice,be very bad,ignored and finally left when he started complaining about my character.I have now serious doubts about his character,his calls,his innumerable accounts but have not found anything wrong after probing from my side.He believes in God,when with my family,loves them, adores me when he is not in presence of his family.
after i left him and moved back with my parents,he joined studies,he is busy,says he has loans,came once in two years to get me back,lived with me made promises,promises over the phone.When i decided to get back,for 9 months he is saying he has debts no money to pay,no time,no proper house,it will end up in the same mess.I also went once to meet him with my family but i was so angry with his past behaviour and insults from his family basically that could not think of staying in that country.We have fought,quarelled but i know i love him but can see that it is dead in him,I have finally given him air tickets to come and see me,but i feel his ego and his fathers constant pressure and money crisis is not letting him do anything.
I want to go back but the only condition is he should respectfully come and take me,i will face all the challenges with him till he finishes his studies and move to either my home country or a third country.He is so full of doubts about me and my family,I do not know whether all my patience is worth it.I am so confused,i think i dont know this man?/or i am imagining,he ignores me and says i am a pest(his childhood was a problem,his parents are divorced and step mom very vicious and so is the dad,very greedy)I know he will ruin himself without me,i cannot live without him,i love him.Nor can i live peacefully nor i can die(as i cannot make my near and dear ones suffer because of me)
could he be cheating on me?/how to find?i will be justified if i leave him then.
if it is money?i will help him..
what do i do please help me,i am gone mad and a brink of a break down.

By: MC

MC — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 22:30:14 +0000

Greetings & Blessings,
I am a 34 year old man and I have been with my girl for 18 years … more than half of my life. We have been married for 13 years. My story is a long and complicated one, but I’ll try to sum it up. I met her when I was 16 and fell for her almost immediately. My Mom left the state pretty much on my 18th birthday, leaving my brother and I with $350 each and an apartment with rent paid for the next 3 weeks. I immediately got an apartment, and my brother got a tattoo. 5 months later my brother committed suicide. I still to this day am distraught over my brother, who was my best male friend, and I depended on my best girl friend and got married to her the next year.
I began drinking to cover up my woes, which was the worst decision I ever made. I always had a good job up until September this year. I was fired for coming in late by the new General Manager after the president of the company was fired for stealing. We have had some of the worst fights ever described – I have not been innocent; I have pushed, slapped, and hit her. She too though has pulled my hair, kicked me in the balls, tried to pull my penis off of me, etc.
After a stupid fight recently, she left me and went to a Domestic Violence shelter with my children (Daughter who hates me 12, and son who loves me 8). She came back home a week later, and everything seemed ok. I slowed down on drinking, but 3 weeks later, got hammered, and a fight started because I wanted to go gambling.
She left again and called me in the morning “as a courtesy” to let me know she filed a temporary restraining order … an “Order of protection”, and that I would be served a copy by the sheriff. I never answered the door when they came to serve the order, but she gave me a copy. She hand wrote half of the details of our last fight in the order; that I grabbed her by the hair, threw her into a wall and called her a whore; but she of course left out her own actions that were nearly equal to mine as far as I am concerned.
She spoke to me nearly every day after the order was filed, and I got to see the kids a few times; one time I qualified as a stalker and waited for her to show up at her mom’s house after work. I jumped an 8 foot brick wall to see my son and hug him, and then promptly disappeared.
The protection order expired and she did not show up to court to extend it, but she animatedly tells me she wants to be with herself, and that “we are over”. I still talk to her daily, and we still have sex regularly. She is seeing a therapist, and after her meetings, she is always more angry with me than before. This morning she called and woke me up as mad as ever, screaming at me “WE ARE DONE!”
I have not been looking for a job very actively because I got unemployment (pays about half of what I was making), and I am depressed so bad that I wake up and begin drinking immediately. I want her back so bad, but she is putting my heart through a shredder, and then pulling out the pieces, and putting it through again. Her words rip through me like a knife; she has told anyone who will listen that I am a mind controlling manipulative wife beater, an alcoholic, a degenerate gambler, and a loser. Three of those may be true, but I am not a person who comes home and starts hitting his wife. We fight a lot, and if I am drunk, I sometimes have lost control of myself and pushed, shoved, slapped, etc. her. She is no angel in this story though as many times she has been the first to strike.
I have read a thousand web pages telling me to give her the space she wants and leave her alone – I really can’t. I fear that having time alone will reinforce her idea that she can be without me and will seal the divorce once and for good. Not to mention that she calls and texts me a few times a day; especially when my son is misbehaving – as if I can do anything about it. He doesn’t live with me, and I get to see him for a few minutes at a time. I certainly am not going to spend those few minutes yelling at him!!! He’s the only person on the planet that I know for certain cares about me; and he is only 8!
I have pleaded for her to go to counseling with me, but she is hell bent on taking care of her, and tells me she hates me every day. In her mind she has blown up the wife beater theory to a point that is disgusting, because it’s NOT TRUE. I feel that she is convincing herself that it was worse than it ever really was in order to convince herself to leave me. She also is telling everyone we know these tales of woe, and of course they are telling her to leave me. She has made it so bad that I can’t even pick my children up from daycare, and even gave copies of the protection order to my kid’s schools. I have no other family other than my mother who lives a state away with a new husband (did I mention that my dad died about 7 years ago, and that he was the only man I could talk to about my true feelings after my brother killed himself?). I love my mom, but there is not much she can do to help – I talk to her truthfully, but she is not my brother or my father, and I don’t usually feel better after I talk to her. Many times I ignore her calls because I don’t want to talk about anything with anyone; the only people I might feel better talking to are dead and gone. She tells me she is getting a tattoo to remind her that she is strong and independent; she plans on getting this tattoo with 2 of her employees that I know for a fact are using her vulnerability to kiss ass and maybe get a better Christmas bonus. And speaking of Christmas – it’s my favorite time of year. And now all I can think of is that I will awake Christmas morning alone – No tree – No kids – No presents – NOTHING. And on that note of course I begin sobbing uncontrollably. I am not allowed to say I don’t want to live because that is mind control or manipulation – but with God as my witness, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ALONE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO.
I have no idea why I have bothered writing this entire story on a message board because I don’t believe anyone can offer a word of advice, but I guess I shouldn’t jump to conclusions? Maybe I will feel better just getting it all out. How can she hate me so much after all the years of love … after all the good times – camping trips, trips to Key West, Orlando, Las Vegas, California? I wish I could just forget her like she has done me.

By: Keith Stone

Keith Stone — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 15:27:39 +0000

Every situation is different. Imagine that there actually was an infinate number of universes where every choice has a diffferent result in each universe. The same is with marital problems. Some women say, my husband doesn’t talk to me, show interest in me, would rather watch TV, etc etc etc…Well, it goes both ways. Some women don’t want the attention from her husband. A very good sign is when she no longer wants to be helt, hold hands, kiss, make love ever, not speak, etc. and the husband asks and trys and just can’t get anything from her. And it started when the husband ended the friendship of a male friend of hers where he would come over everyday while the husband worked, for over 2 years. And the story was he was homosexual. But it wasn’t true for he lives with his mom, was 40 then, stayed plastered all the time, and goes from one married woman to the next, just as when I told them to end it or get their own apartment, as the husband couldn’t live that way anymore, and from that day on, the wife has been nothing less than full of hate, as if I was the Dad and broke up her first love or something. She valued her friendship w/ him more than her husband ., marriage, etc. And no matter what he tries, nothing works. SOme say, talk to her, well she don’t want to talk. And eceryday they grow further apart, and the hate and rage grows. When the husband offers every kind os possible solution, she ignores him. It is as if she is waiting for something to happen so she can escape the life she is in. She comes from the age 5 on being adopted and sexually molested by dad, uncles, etc. I don’t think she eeven understands love, just sex, and is more comfortable around a male stranger, and really doesn’t want women friens either. Stays angry all the time. It is a hopeless situation, she is mentally inable to work, so she is caught in a world she doesn’t want, won’t eat at all now so she can olse weight. She shows all the signs of a wife who hates her husband. She has no trust for men, no matter what he does, over 28 years. I made some mistakes, but nothing like cheating, staying drunk, just working too much to survive. SO there are many things.

By: ASL

ASL — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 14:18:08 +0000

Married for 13 years. Husband left last year for 2 months came back, left again 2 months ago. Says he will file, still hasn’t, but I know it’s coming. One child 6 and a long history of travelling the world together.
He took up a new hobby about 4 years ago of drinking and lying. Since he left he’s been sober and works out…”A New Man”.
Addicted to work, porn, drinking, smoking and getting angry out of context.
I have no idea why I am mourning this marriage or fantasizing about saving it. I have no idea why I would choose to live/share my life with such an empty shell. I still have sex with him and cry when my son isn’t around.
How do I shake this dysfunction?

By: Mike

Mike — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:39:29 +0000

I thought I might write about what is happening in my life at the moment. My wife left me last Monday evening and wouldn’t get in touch. When she eventually did get in touch, she told me our relationship is over, and that she wanted a divorce. I am 39, and she is 37. We have been married for 9 and a half years. During this time we have lived near my family, and have travelled the world together extensivly. I feel absolutely devasated. The one person in my life whio I love more than anything in this world doesnt want me anymore. I tried asking her why and she just says shes been unhappy for a long time. Her father is currently in hosital suffering from Cancer and this has put a great strain on us as he is a long way from where we live. She said that seeing him dying in a hospital bed has made her realise that she could in years to come find herself in the same situation and might regret not having had a happy marriage. I have asked her to allow us to at least try to put it right, but she will not. I feel that her work colleagues and family are actively encouraging her to divorce me. We both have very good jobs and a beautiful home, and she is already talking about splitting everything up. I have persuaded her to move back to the family home, but she thinks I now agree with her that the relationship has naturally ended. This is not the case. I am really struggling to cope with this situation, and am frightened that if I do try to talk to her about it she will just disappear from the house again. She has already talked of divorce and last night quoted seeing a solicitor in two weeks to get it sorted. I have no intentions of dealing this quickly with it. Also she wants to get our house on the market quickly. Clearly I also do not want this. I would appreciate any advice that people could give me to save the current situation from getting worse.